My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
