420 ftw
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
