I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
