I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
being pregnant is like rehab
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
