Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
