sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Please don't give away my fajitas
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
