my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
