There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
