At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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