I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
