morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
