glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
