the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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