forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
