oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
