go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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