Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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