are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
