Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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