I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies