I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.