I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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