Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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