ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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