Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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