I wish I could punch you in the face.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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