i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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