I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
