he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think i got beer on your cat.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
