Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
