nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
