I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
