i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
