Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
