im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
