i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
its not stalking. its research.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
