my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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