that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
