First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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