Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
