There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
