the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
