how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize