I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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