I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
