I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
