He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
