Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
