No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
