At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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