I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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