you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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