You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
