I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
