He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
