Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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