sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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