smell my finger.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
