My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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