There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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