So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So vagazzling was a success
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
