Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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