I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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