We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
