Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
